The Eyes Have It

it's been less than 16 hours since my laser eye surgery, even though i can use the computer i've decided to be a bit more cautious and am wearing sunglasses, with the laptop screen all black and the Voice Over command turned on. if you've never used it before, it's a bit confusing as it spells each letter out as though the computer had turrets.

the first thing they did was give me valium. not unlike magic mushrooms, i felt fine til i got up. then when i sat down i sort of smiled at my mother in a doe-eyed fashion and played with her earrings. then i drooled on myself. none of the other patients there were taking it as bad. i guess for someone who passes out over a single panadol, it shouldn't be a surprise. "mum, i have spit on my jeans," and she said, "yes, hopefully that just makes me look like the dutiful mother of a challenged child. have you tried swallowing?" i wish the valium stage lasted longer but alas i was led into the surgery theatre where after lying down, i had to stare at the green light. it was slowing zooming in and out as though aliens were coming to anally probe me.

the guy explained every step in great detail, to my detriment. i had a dentist like him once.

"i am drilling into your 4th molar now. i am inserting a tube to drain your saliva now. i am injecting this long needle in now. i am wiping off some blood now." and all i could see were his eyes and felt like saying, "could you not tell me all the details?" i mean do you think the guy checking your prostate or your smear test is saying, "now i am spreading your legs apart. now i am inserting a spatula-like device into the small cavity that you used to poo/pee/give birth with, now i'm wriggling it about to collect tissue. now i'm putting lots of pressure on the most sensitive spot that even strippers in Amsterdam wouldn't go near, now i'm just checking the place's interior design." IT'S UNNECESSARY. oh i think this is hilarious. when you turn caps lock on the voice over, it actually yells your letters. haha. HAHA. sounds like "h-a-h-a-. ACHE! AYE! AHCHE! AYE!"

then they stuck a piece of plastic, clamped something over my eyelids, for which i was grateful because at that time all my limbs and muscles were clenched as tight as a virgin in the Australian Defence Force Academy. he wouldn't have been able to open them with the force of a CERN collider (ha, SEE-EE-ARR-ENNN!). something very hard was pressed til i blacked out. then the freakiest drill sound started.

the drilling of teeth sound! it was more disturbing than seeing your own corneal flap being lifted. that was actually pretty cool. a bit like going underwater. i felt like my flap should've been bigger (yep that's what she said) but could not protest before he adeptly lifted it up with the skill of a hungry japanese guy chopsticking up a piece of tuna. he was quick with his tiny tiny hooked instruments.

when it was finished i was reminded of that time i tried to impress this boy in primary school by doing two somersault turns on the monkey bars, and fell into a bunch of bark instead.

"i feel like i have sand in my eyes"
"that's normal"
"it's sandy"
"yes it feels like that"
"i like beaches" (the valium was still working)
"it will be gone tomorrow"
"sand doesn't taste good in your mouth OR your eyes"
"...no...they don't...*checks to see i have signed the consent forms where i said i was "Medically of Sound Mind*"


when we got to the car i must've passed out. i couldn't open my eyes and felt as though somebody was ramming their fingers in them. the painkillers were just making me drool some more. I had to wear sunnies because the lights hurt and that night also wear plastic cups over them so i wouldn't scratch at them. i feel like that should be in their blueprint.

"post-operative patients will resemble an intoxicated, frothy sloth with a speech impediment. you will have the photosensitivity of a vampire and the sleeping appearance of a giant fly"

Lamentations on winter

The Romantic poets like Wordsworth, Shelley and Keats all wrote odes on the seasons but I’ve always felt they should’ve written one about how winter sucks testes. But I suppose them being English, winter was the norm. In Australia, we don’t handle it as well.

Firstly, have you TRIED waking up in winter? As soon as 5 centimetres of blanket comes off, your skin starts to shrivel up in protest.

All the good stone fruits have gone away, and unlike other countries, our strict quarantine measures mean getting Northern Hemispheric fruits are about as legal as cocaine. We also don’t have a Mexico who’ll feed and clothe us cheaply. Apples, pears and mandarins can go extinct for all I care.

Some humans don’t know how to sneeze, they just spray it straight onto your face/desk/sandwich and the next thing you know, you have the flu AND your source of fresh vitamin C comes in a can

Open space living room + heating = SURPRISE! The numbers in your electricity resemble the rise of Zimbabwean inflation

No more shorts and skirts, only non-contoured pants, shoulder-padded coats, lots of socks and full loads of laundry every 3 days. In Australia we don’t really have good winter clothing (ie they feel like you put on 5 t-shirts) so everybody layers up til our arms stick up

Even if you make a hot meal it will have solidified and cooled before you’re halfway done

Unlike other countries’ winters, we don’t have snow, which is the only good highlight I can think of for winter. We have some mostly man-made snow flakes and winter sports at the Snowy Mountains (a place about the size of a large car park) who charge for your equipment rental the same amount as they would for ivory tusks from extinct woolly mammoths

All the smokers suddenly feel the urge to up their intake and puff their smoke all over your heavy, multilayered, scent-absorbing clothing which you then have to wash for the second time that day

Needing to pee ALL. THE. TIME. I’m fed up with our silly human bladders and their incompetence during winter

There you have it. Anyone else have their’s?