Lamentations on winter

The Romantic poets like Wordsworth, Shelley and Keats all wrote odes on the seasons but I’ve always felt they should’ve written one about how winter sucks testes. But I suppose them being English, winter was the norm. In Australia, we don’t handle it as well.

Firstly, have you TRIED waking up in winter? As soon as 5 centimetres of blanket comes off, your skin starts to shrivel up in protest.

All the good stone fruits have gone away, and unlike other countries, our strict quarantine measures mean getting Northern Hemispheric fruits are about as legal as cocaine. We also don’t have a Mexico who’ll feed and clothe us cheaply. Apples, pears and mandarins can go extinct for all I care.

Some humans don’t know how to sneeze, they just spray it straight onto your face/desk/sandwich and the next thing you know, you have the flu AND your source of fresh vitamin C comes in a can

Open space living room + heating = SURPRISE! The numbers in your electricity resemble the rise of Zimbabwean inflation

No more shorts and skirts, only non-contoured pants, shoulder-padded coats, lots of socks and full loads of laundry every 3 days. In Australia we don’t really have good winter clothing (ie they feel like you put on 5 t-shirts) so everybody layers up til our arms stick up

Even if you make a hot meal it will have solidified and cooled before you’re halfway done

Unlike other countries’ winters, we don’t have snow, which is the only good highlight I can think of for winter. We have some mostly man-made snow flakes and winter sports at the Snowy Mountains (a place about the size of a large car park) who charge for your equipment rental the same amount as they would for ivory tusks from extinct woolly mammoths

All the smokers suddenly feel the urge to up their intake and puff their smoke all over your heavy, multilayered, scent-absorbing clothing which you then have to wash for the second time that day

Needing to pee ALL. THE. TIME. I’m fed up with our silly human bladders and their incompetence during winter

There you have it. Anyone else have their’s?