Day 4: Macchu Picchu, Peru

the trains to Macchu Picchu operated like the Titanic. there was first class with a 5 course menu, there was 2nd class with a 3 course menu, both of which had carriages modelled on the Versailles palace with solid glass ceilings. i obviously didn`t have those tickets so allow me to vent some envy. it´s a 2 hour train ride. at 9 in the morning. clearly the first two classes where intented for honeymooners, the clinically obese and hungry, hungry hippos. 3rd class was where you got a snack, had glass panelled ceilings and count all the gringoes (i dunno am i gringo or not? i hope not) 4th class is for latinos and are regular non-transparent trains and 5th class is for locals and Carrie Isgett would describe them as an Indian train packed and heading for Auschwitz.

good thing we got our shopping down earlier, as the site was a `rip-off`, though i wouldn`t call it that since the prices were now 1/2 of Western prices instead of 1/12. paying a dollar extra for water is hardly a steal. i admit i bought a lot of crap and kitsch. silver was beautiful and cheap, i added more shotglasses to my collection (wish i collected rocks instead. they are bloody delicate), a gaudy looking poncho and various woods (sigh, customs), leathers (i raise my fist at you, customs), and a musical instrument in my bag that jingles when i walk so that i resemble a reindeer. i also got a chess piece. don`t judge me, for an Asian, they are cool! a nerdy Asian thing to buy would have been an abacus.

a lot of the faces from the group were becoming familiar. here are my blaring generalisations about the different nationalities. it was nice that my group was full of people in their 30`s and upwards. there were South Africans who felt it was cold as we did, they are great for shopping companions cos they can spot fakes. there were americans and canadians, and contrary to Lonely Planet i have always found Americans to be polite, unassuming and compliant. Canadians are the same, but everybody expects it of them. personally i find Americans articulate themselves more passionately, their jokes are a little bit riskier and it makes them a little bit more engaging than their Canuck counterparts. nice people with a slight cynical streak are more interesting to me than nice people who are super agreeable. there was also your stereotypical gregarious and funny Scotsman. i`ve met ONE quiet and shy scot. he may have been raised by owls. Lastly there were Australians, but they were married and therefore not drunk and horny (not that i am, obviously, i am practicing moves on my chess set)

upon arrival i was glad i didn`t do the 4 day inca trail. despite having porters and donkeys it still looked like a lot of work involving potential malaria. someone also said the trail takes 3 hours by incan runners. way to overachieve. it started raining when we got there, relief! it meant i could opt out of climbinbg Hyuanu Picchu (the tall mountain in the back if you google image MP) by pretending to be a disappointed brave mountaineer instead of someone who throws upat heights. i would have been the girl who took 20 steps before sobbing on the ground, clawing like a crab.

i ended up scaling macchu picchu twice, once before the tour started and with the group. you see, the group included the South Africans who wore SANDALS and tights. i knew they`d take too long to get anywhere. during the second trip i imagined incan decision making.´

"you know i like this place here with the river and the crops, and fish, but something`s missing."
"life is too boring here. let us start a building some on saaaay, THAT mountain. at the very top. with boulders."
"good idea!"

(50 years later)

"what do you wanna do?"
"iarno. what do you wanna do?"
"iarno. what do you wanna do?"
"ia- dyou know, let`s make another temple,"
"why not, we`ll put it next to the 17th one. it`s been awhile since we quarried a mine"

ah, to be slight of foot and absolutely nuts.

the hotel is gorgeous. i have a balconey directly facing the gushing river and MP at the bottom of the valley. you might be thinking why on earth i booked such posh places on a mortgage and a public servant salary but i had no idea. the travel agency called it `Basic, 2 star accomodation`and i told them point blank, "listen, i would accept anything so long as it`s cheap. give me a hovel. i can sleep with farm animals." i didn`t realise in south america views came for free. i am going to go home and find my view of the motorway so sad.

Day 2: Cuzco, Peru

even when i saw it from the plane i knew it looked like nothing i´d ever seen before. it was from another planet. not unusual, not strange, not a bit peculiar, i mean it was sci-fi, ridiculous, fantasy land. endless shades of green, winding roads, sheer drops, valleys, i don´t know why i´m listing those becauuse new words need to be invented to describe Cuzco. it is Foxobble, which means it has very narrow streets with hidden shops and secrets. it is Flappytastico, which means their mountains are so towering i theorise the locals can actually fly, since i don´t know how they get around. those illamas and alpacas are pretty much lazy, furry labradors with expressions of petulance and perturbed suspicion.

my flying theory was explained by way of coco leaves. you chew them with a little bit of black-sticky stuff and then feel like a kenyan marathoner. i hear the locals chew them 18 hours a day, between industrial wine and then dying 20 years younger than the national mortality rates. it appears Andeans, Indians, Aborigines and every other colonised indigenous group are brusquillos of sorts.

Cuzco unfortunately had more cathedrals as a part of their tour, luckily they had so much alien landscape. this time the guide caught on quick, and was very paternal, Latino versrion of President Bartlet way.
"what time we meeting tomorrow?"
"one...two...three...?"
"you are counting"
"one...thirty...five"
"you are guessing!"
"an illama!"
"stop looking at the illama, you have forgotten the timing and you are not listening! where is card i give you of my telephone number?"
"it´s, it´s here...*pats around feebly*"
"you list it! here another. put in underwear this time. no talking to the dress up people. no talking to vendors. no talking to illamas. where the oxygen tank that lady give?"
"i gave it back. por favor, i liik so silly, no one else has one"
"you will look silly flat on floor! ok fine. i give you alcohol. sniff. sniff harder!"
he quized me a bit more. i left him a generous tip.

i feel like i should justify what a pansy i was, snorting alcoholic fumes and turning off-yellow. if i were to stand on the tallest mountain of Australia, it would still be 1km underground in Cuzco. if i were Dutch, i´d be hallucinating.

for dinner i had guinea pig from a restaurant which donated profits to local orphanges. there were 2 backpacking hippies playing the guitar and photos of orphans everywhere. the meat was better than the music and less depressing than the orphans were were shoeless as Mt Druit teenagers. It was however not as good as everyone worked it up to be. later i saw a guinea pig farm (and wish i hadn´t, they were of course, cute), will add photos later. it was a clay castle with 3 levels, balconeys, towers, crossing bridges and they were happy as can be very HG Wells´ Time Machine. oh such a deceptive, free-range life they lead.

hotel was amazing, i think i saw elves. internet was great but i still have trouble finding the elusive apostrophe, hot water works if left on for 10 minutes, i know because i stood in cold water for 9 (i was optimistic) before using a hair dryer to warn myself up. not sure how i didn´t electrocute myself, will investigate properties of protons and electrons later.